Project Steev

Insomnia, For Real

I've never really had much trouble sleeping in my life. I know I blogged before about how I was waking up earlier and earlier, but it wasn't really insomnia. I felt healthy, I felt like I was getting as much sleep as I needed or wanted, and I was doing sleep the Taoist way, so, cool.

Well, now I definitely have a problem. Full-fledged can't-sleep-at-all problem. Maybe it's getting better. Last night I actually slept from about 11:30 to 4:30, with a gap of about an hour, or it felt like an hour, sometime in the middle. so, 4 hours. That's not bad. But Monday through Wednesday nights I only got about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. Why? Because this relationship that I've had for 3 months - that I've been annoying you all with on this stupid blog - it's ending. Yes, already. And that is driving me crazy.

(and speaking of annoying, if you're annoyed, just skip it. That's why I have categories on this thing. If it says "Personal" and you don't want personal, just fuck off and skip it, ok?)

All my life I usually zonk out a few minutes after hitting the pillow. It's so weird to now have insomnia. I never had to TRY to sleep. It was something to be resisted, that just happened. But now I have to WORK at it. Last night I managed to sleep better using basically zen meditation and breathing techniques to empty my mind and relax. I'm worried that with so little sleep i'm going to get sick. I always seem to have the luck of getting sick right before going travelling. It sucks. I also have this nervous fluttering stomach thing like, most of the day since Monday. It feels like when I'm overwired on coffee or yerba mate, but I've been drinking almost zero caffeine or maté for almost a week now. So I know this is psychological, and stress related. I have found this morning that it helps to repeat a little mantra about her that I won't write here. Not that it's mean or spiteful, just a truth that I have previously ignored, an idea to comfort me and convince me that it should end and it's ok.

But this sucks and hurts so much. I just want to get over this and move on. Could I just fast forward 2 weeks or so? goddammit.