[Rumori] Hatch Takes Aim at Illegal Downloading

[Art McGee]

http://www.jzip.org/jzip/archives/000573.html

JZip Blog

June 18, 2003

Senator Hatch Introduces Bill to Burn People's Eyes Out

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) today introduced legislation
authorizing the use of high-powered microwave lasers to burn
out the eyes of non-paying viewers of copyrighted material.
"If we could develop technology which just burned out the
parts of their brains where the illegal memories are stored,
that'd be fine with me -- but we can burn their eyes out
right now!" said Hatch, while introducing the
Hatch/Hollywood Eyeball Evisceration Act.

Hatch's previous legislation authorizing the remote
detonation of PCs used, or potentially used, or thought to
have possibly been used, or potentially able to be used
after some jumper cables and soldering, assuming a radically
defective new security model, to access copyrighted material
was defeated in the Senate on a 51-49 vote last week.

"I understand why the Senate was hesitant to pass a bill
that authorized the destruction of personal property," Hatch
said. "But this doesn't destroy any property. It just turns
your eye sockets into puddles of bubbling goo. Okay, you
might get some melted eyeball on your shirt, but only if you
panic. Keep your wits about you and you can get those
eyeballs to dribble into your cupped hands."

Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association of
America (MPAA), welcomed the announcement. "For too long,
our valuable intellectual property, such as Encino Man,
Citizen Kane and Girls Gone Wild on Geek Cruises, has been
stolen. When you watch a video at your neighbor's house that
your neighbor rented, you are nothing but a thief who
deserves to have his -- or her -- eyeball fluid pour down
your cheeks like the crododile tears you shed for the plight
of impoverished Hollywood executives. We know who you are,
you thieves, all 157,872,548 of you in the United States
alone -- and we're going to burn your eyes out!"

The technology, which uses Radio Frequency ID (RFID) tags,
smart radio, and the Global Positioning System (GPS) to turn
healthy eyeballs into lumps looking like burnt marshmallows,
has also been licensed to the Recording Industry Association
of American (RIAA) to explode eardrums. When reached for
comment, Hilary Rosen, former head of the RIAA under whose
administration this system was initiated and funded, said,
"We have always considered this to be a reasonable,
least-harmful method of stopping the massive, Enron-style
fraud perpetrated by song traders and multi-billionaire
corporate crooks. Remember -- Enron sold broadband to the
song traders.

"Besides," Rosen continued, "while the sales of some minor
independent artists may suffer, we have reason to believe
that sales of artists like Britney Spears, Shania Twain, and
Linkin Park will not drop simply because those who listen to
them have had their eardrums shattered.

"That is, as long as their eyeballs haven't been burned
out."

Comment on the new system has been mixed. Former listener
Stacey Bristol, 25, spoke from her hospital bed about her
experience: "I was standing outside this sold-out Widespread
Panic show, asking around for a ticket. When I couldn't find
one, I decided to wait around, see if they opened up the
doors at intermission, maybe listen to a song or two from
outside. They'd just started playing when I felt this
pressure build up in my sinuses -- the next thing I knew,
there was blood in my ears and I couldn't hear anything!"

Jeff Williams, 48, had a similar impression: "I was in a bar
-- you know, the kind with a bunch of televisions tuned to
different sports -- watching the Phillies and the Cubs when
the announcer said, 'Unauthorized viewing of this broadcast
is prohibited -- ' but that's all I heard, 'cause my
eyeballs were starting to melt."

Journalist Declan McCullough, whose articles helped kill the
first Hatch bill, wrote yesterday that "while there is some
potential for damaging private property when burning
someone's eyes out -- what about the contact lenses, for
instance? I mean, it's not like you can sell your eyeballs,
but you can get a a buck or two for the contact lenses on
the grey market. But that's a minor quibble -- after all,
it's not authoritarian, big-brother government blinding
people, but the good, mostly unconvicted, free corporate
citizens operating freely under the free enterprise system
to protect their valuable freedom.

"And their stuff," McCullough continued. "But not their
eyeballs. So this technology is here to stay."

Lawrence Lessig, professor of law at Stanford University,
took a different tack. "Clearly, the patents on this
technology are invalid. In 1904, groundskeeper Roy McTuggle
took a sharp stick and poked it through the eyeholes at
Ebbets Field during 3-2 counts with men on base. McTuggle
successfully blinded seventeen children and a scout from the
Browns -- that constitutes prior art.

"Once we can get this technology out into the open," Lessig
continued, "we'll find some way to fight it. Possibly we can
use the Commerce Clause, if we can show that the microwave
laser beam crosses state lines on its way to an eyeball.
That might've convinced the court in Eldred, so surely it'll
work this time."

[Posted by adamsj at June 18, 2003 02:34 PM]

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